A Child’s Foundation: The Parents’ Secure Attachment with One Another

We needed a role model for that couple who is your ultimate foundation (your parents) and how they love, cherish and treat one another.

(Add section from Brain Rules about couples empathy). It’s important to note that if you didn’t have parents who were truly in their masculine/feminine balance and who enjoyed each other’s secure attachment and thus enjoyed their own authenticity.. by being accepted and loved by one another as they truly were, that you will need to sit down and affirm to change that. That what comes naturally to you in your marriage is sub-optimal..

If your father loved your mother to the point of loving her imperfections, her forgetfulness, her infectious optimism, held her hand and walked with her, no matter the chaos of the outside world, that you won the fatherly lottery. That if your mother thought about your father’s favorite food and made it with love and affection, that if she kept calm when he was late and gave him a pat on his back saying she understands things happen, that she looked forward to his coming home and ran over and gave him a big hug every evening, that you won the motherly lottery.

Completely unconnected to whether she was a well-achieved career woman or worked part-time or chose not to work. The nurturing affectionate strength of character is a classic femininity trademark.

Why? This does volumes to your own foundation and feeling firmly footed into the world. Where you see two people exhibit and model unconditional love, acceptance, cherishing, excitement to be around, a soft nurturing touch, a loving coffee made, you know the world is a loving place to be. You also know you’ll be treated that way by the world. You know how to treat one another in this world. The inter-personal relationship lottery has been won already. Your bar is set where it should be. You know a really solid base case. 

In your own conquest for friends (age 5-15), a mate (age 11-30), you will know what to watch for and what the ideal looks like. You will know the ideal and constantly have that base case to compare how you are being treated and will know when you’ve won the same lottery. 

And if you didn’t, you won’t be shy to walk away from it or at minimum ask for better treatment. This is the base of self worth in seeking companionships, friendships and love interests. This is the base case of speaking up, and setting boundaries. 

AS A GIRL

What your mother tolerates - you will. What your mother says, you will. What your mother lets go, you will too. 

If your mother is kind and specific and also infuses a lot of love and exuberance, but chooses her likes and dislikes, allows flexibility, you will too. 

If your mother lets it go when she is insulted, talked down upon, not given dignity and respect, you will too. 

(ADD WHAT HAPPENS AS A BOY)