Selecting a Nanny and Why The Process Is So Crucial

Selecting a nanny is like selecting a surrogate mother.

Her energy, how she carries herself, the language she uses, how she emotionally regulates, how she dresses, all will be how your child does THOSE things. Read that again. Do you really want to downplay this decision knowing this?

It is so so crucial who our kids surround themselves with.

In the gentle philosophy of What Happened to You?—the collaborative work between Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry -

We are invited to look at a child’s brain not as a blank slate, but as a sensitive, living record of every moment they have ever lived.

To understand this softly, we can imagine the brain as a beautiful, rising tower. At the very foundation—the bottom-most layer—is the brainstem.

The Quiet Library of the Senses

From the very first moments of life, even before a child has words or clear memories, their brain is "taking notes." Every single touchpoint experienced through the five senses is gathered like a tiny, precious seed and stored in that foundational layer.

• The Sight of a steady, loving gaze.

• The Sound of a rhythmic heartbeat or a soft lullaby.

• The Smell of a mother’s skin or a clean blanket.

• The Taste of milk and nourishment.

• The Touch of being held closely and securely.

This bottom layer of the brain is responsible for the body’s most basic "rhythms"—our heart rate, our breathing, and our sense of safety. Because this part of the brain develops first, it doesn't process information through logic or language. Instead, it processes through rhythm and association.

If those early sensory touchpoints are filled with warmth and consistency, the foundation of the brain learns a deep, wordless truth:

The world is safe. I am cared for. I can rest.

When a child experiences a "soft" world through their senses, their brainstem remains calm. This allows the energy of the brain to flow upward to the higher layers—the parts of the brain where they learn to manage emotions and, eventually, where they learn to think, dream, and create.

However, if those sensory touchpoints are chaotic or frightening, that bottom layer stays "on guard." The brain becomes more focused on survival than on connection.

The beauty of this concept is the realization that nurturing is a sensory act.

Every time we provide a rhythmic, calm, and loving sensory experience, we are helping that child build a foundation of resilience. We are essentially telling their nervous system that they are home, and they are loved, one small "touchpoint" at a time.

The childcare market is pretty limited as regards to good options. If you recruited for a retail buyer role, you would interview 8 candidates and find 1-2 you really like. If I interviewed a nanny in a large wealthy city market like San Francisco, I  (true story) interviewed 25 and liked nobody. 

A nanny is one of the only jobs where you get paid REALLY well and don’t need a degree or a passion in the subject.

The key criteria being sought are safety and security, then after that is fit, and then after that is developmentally enhancing personality. 

A big bonus that us moms don’t even fight for is someone who gets along well with us. The priority is the kids. It’s like finding a good pediatrician. What’s best for the child comes first (as it should), even though the real person who interacts, asks questions, brings up issues is not the child itself, but the parent. 

Back to how hundreds of people think they can be great nannies. This means, you have so many candidates to wade through!

Here is how interviewing went for me. I invited 5-7 each week, found that every single are confident, and show up with their A game. The good news for interviewers like me is the first 10 minutes of the interview tells me if this will be a person who should be in this profession or not. Their energy (calm, composed, relaxed versus frantic, victim-like, upset), how they treat me, how genuinely interested they are in the child, whether their eyes sparkle when I bring the baby over, whether they ask good questions, how observant they are, it all shows to me in a matter of minutes. 

Once the first round interview finishes, I organize a trial day. I’m with them the entire time, I instruct them on how I like to do things for the baby, and watch them observe and ask questions. It gives me all the information I need. I give them feedback at the end of the day. I only do this all to - 1. See how they observe me 2. See how curious they are or are they “all knowing” 3. See how much they can actually care about a baby they are around 4. Observe their energy some more 5. Speak to them 6. Give them feedback and see how they react 

What I Look For	What That Tells Me
Warm, fuzzy, honest, loving eyes	They are kind souls and when the going gets tough, they will not take it out on the baby. They will suffer through it, vent to me later, but never ever will the child be put through any sort of frustration.
Reception of feedback	If one cannot take feedback well, then they are either a “know it all” or deeply insecure. My instructions will be a daily occurrence; this is part of the territory and very much what the nanny role demands. None of this is termed unnecessary or extra work.
Relationship with their mother	How they were parented is important. It tells me they had the right role model nurturer (avoiding the 3 C’s: control, criticism, competition) and that they are a "No Limit Person" by programming who will fit with my belief that the mind is the only limiting factor.
Grateful Personality	Gratitude means abundance consciousness. This sort of person is unbreakable. They see challenges with the baby as something momentary and something to divert from mentally and emotionally rather than a permanent burden.
Whimsical nature & humor	People who see the humor in a child have superior observational skills. If one isn’t rooting for a child and chuckling with joy when they meet a challenge, they are too serious and ought to loosen up in this role.
Fit with my personality	I want things 80%+ the way I requested because mother’s intuition guides me every hour. If a nanny doesn’t strive for that 80%+ alignment (including the why’s), we can both expect tension, which is not a healthy situation for either of us.
Nanny’s age & agility	Needs shift from nurturing (0-1.5) to active playground play (1-2.5) to being a role model (2.5+). I look for an old soul in the body of an agile young person who can bridge all three phases effectively.
No Limit Person (NLP) status	An NLP isn't a people pleaser or a victim; they live in gratitude and seek passion. If your nanny is an NLP, they will be agile in situations that serve the family, avoid burnout, and generally be a delight to keep around your child.